Frying mosquitos & sniffing liquid ammonia.

I'm ok to be back in Mumbai this time.

It's me, I'm Mo, and I'm home now ... [Cue: Kate Bush and warbling high, breathy, ethereal voice. Location: Heights of Mangalore Airport, via Air India Express, Flight IX 802.]

I am now in my first 'home' of India: Marol Residency, opposite Seven Hills Hospital, Andheri East, Mumbai. I understand from the guesthouse staff that it's an expensive hospital, but with a good reputation, modern and very clean. Wow. That's a first.

Kausel, a friend of the owner, is on night duty at reception. What an amazing guy to have on my arrival. An erudite, post-graduate scholar of English. Everything seems to work this time. Even the hot water. Bollywood on TV. The works.

Night night, and sweet dreams wherever you are ...

xxx

p.s. I frazzled a mumbai mosquito just now with my HUNTER Mosquito Terminator that I bought in Ernakulum. Buying that, and taking it back was a story and a half, I can tell you.

Strangely, all the mosquitos that I tried to fry with this exquisite killing machine seemed to fail. In Kerala, the bloodsucking creatures appeared to be to either small, or they vanished into thin air before I could swipe at them. 

It is one of the most satisfying late-night occupations that a Mo can indulge in when off all Class A, B and C category drugs known to the UK judiciary system. You hear the crack, pop, fizzle and ZAP when the mosquito gets caught in the mesh-tastic tennis racquet thing. I get quite right-wing, almost fascistic about this pastime. Small things, eh?

p.p.s. On the subject of hard drugs. Apart from the pneumonic-induced drug intake which has been producing a very nasty metallic taste on the tip of my tongue since gawd knows when - on arrival in Room 109 at Marol Residency, I tipped the contents of my slim brown leather shoulder bag onto the bed. Fastest way to find things, you know.

By the way, the bag looked as flat as a pancake, pristine and new before I came to India. Now it's lived a lot, it has puffed out into a small portable poufe-like affair. I think it wants a break from being clung onto so tight since 21 February, date of my arrival in Mumbai. Ah, me and handbags ...


To my delight. I discovered an orange pen-like thing. It says Boots Bite & Sting relief liquid. A relic from the Tanzania teaching days. I unscrewed the lid, and applied a little to a mosquito bite. Then for some reason I sniffed the 'tip' of the 'pen'. Oof. That was a feckin' good hit.

I looked at the Active Ingredient. Ammonia 3.5% w/v. I wonder if the latter means, wotever?

[Face, bovvered? Catherine Tate, I wonder what kind of elite career you had, and how much you suffered to remain true to your luvvie art before you became a household name? Would love the chance to meet you and ask you myself. Hmm, wonder if there's a YouTube interview. Bound to be ...]

Also contains: mineral oil, alcohol ethoxylate, demiticone*, purified water. The first ingredient I wouldn't even rub onto the paintwork of my lovely Nissan 100 NX. I LOVE the sound of the second and third ingredients. Haven't had any booze since Mumbai, Part 1, about 4 weeks ago. And purified water can be a bit dodgy depending on how it has been 'purified'.

It's come to this now. No ciggies. And I'm sniffing vapours of ammonia liquid.

Well? At least I'm not smokin' smokin' smokin', and pokin' pokin' pokin' - a fag into my gob.

p.p.p.s. The curious thing about the Boots Liquid Ammonia pen is, under the 'How to store this medicine' heading, it states: Do not store above 25 degrees centigrade.

What use is that, then, Boots? Ever heard of killer mosquitos in namby-pamby middle England? Like Staffs or Notts or Banbury? No, you nincompoop. Killer mosquitos usually live in foetid places that are in excess of 36 - 40 degrees centigrade. In locations such as Lake Tanganyika, or a few monsoon regions on the Indian Subcontinent, perhaps. Do you expect travellers like me to carry a portable minibar to store your product, hmm? Boots the Non-Chemist. What can you do, eh?

Snort, one two three. Exhale, one two three. Inhale, one two three ... Ammonia, mmm two three. Whatever next? one two three. Goodnight, one ... two ... four four four four [help, the needle's stuck] phwoar four four four four ... Pull the plug, for crying out loud, someone.



* I've decided to look up 'demiticone' but can't find anything on Google - only 'demithicone'. Therefore, I can only guess that Boots have a typo on their ingredients list. And there was me thinking that demiticone, rhyming with 'acetone', was another type of alcohol product. It's a nice idea, though, for a new side-shoot discipline of chemistry - drug discovery rhyming labelling, hehe. [ e.g. I'm thinking along the lines of sucrose, lactose and fructose which are all rhyming types of sugars. Such are machinations of my mind. ] Anyway, I'm wrong. Demithicone is a silicon oil used in hair and skin products. [Note added on 15 April 2013.]